just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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