I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
