the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
