We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
