im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
