Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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