Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
