k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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