I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
