so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
