matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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