I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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