I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
