look no pants
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
