I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
i out mim tonsoeep
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