I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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