Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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