I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
