we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
