I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
