i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
