Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
