Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
