I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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