my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
