she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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