I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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