hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
