U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I checked into jail on foursquare
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
