never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
