While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
