The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
