i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Its about making memories worth repressing
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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