fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
