I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
