you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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