By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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