My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
