The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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