The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
