Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
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i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
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Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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