i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize