"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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