Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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