The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
