I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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