oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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