i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Someone shit on the floor
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
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