Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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