My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
