I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
