Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
