sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
