living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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