Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
