We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
