apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
