it's too hot outside to masturbate.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
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my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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