Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
