Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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